The Ten Sports of the Household Olympics
With the advent of the 2012 Olympics upon us, here’s Sara Lucas’s guide to the daily equivalent; the ten sports of the Household Olympiad. Recognize any of them?
Fencing -The guiding principle of this event is the stand off between husband and wife with the loser being the party who caves in first. Heats include replacing toilet rolls, emptying bins and picking up dirty socks. The hot favorite odds are on the husband in most households, who exhibits great strength in holding out; not through skill, more likely because he rarely knows he’s playing.
Playing possum - A game of skill involving silence and closed eyes – played in the field of bed in the dead of night, this game involves tactics of vying to see who can pretend they’re asleep the longest when a sick child calls out in the middle of the night. Favourite – again the husband, perhaps because he does actually sleep through. Note this trait is quite possibly genetic to the gender as evidenced by 14 year old son sleeping through an earthquake in Christchuch. Or maybe men are just great at playing possum. Husband is however, extremely skilled at waking up on the first ring of the New York trading phone to place multi million dollar BHP trade in the hope of collecting a profit. The jury is out on who to back for this one, promises to be an evolving competition, at least until the kids leave home.
Mental gymnastics - Outstanding spectator event this one, involving heart stopping performances of ability to twist any comments or logical arguments into a tangential agenda. Odds are even. The husband, when challenged as to why he didn’t book the table for dinner or the babysitter on the wedding anniversary will answer with something completely unrelated like “but I always file my tax returns on time, or, you didn’t do the laundry today.” Alternatively, the wife scores bonus points for being able to digest such left field responses in some way without screaming like a 5 year old.
Weight lifting - Specifically carrying piles of folded laundry upstairs and into bedrooms. Wife/Husband vs kids. Favourite – Wife/husband, as kids do not compete in this event but are particularly talented at unfolding laundry and throwing it into any available cavity.
Pentathlon - The ability to consistently execute five or more complex tasks simultaneously whilst employing active listening techniques to details of said overnight New York trade, to the decimal point, in the right ear, and absorbing “Mummy? MUmmy. MUMmmy, MUMMY!” like a soggy sponge with the left. Odds on favourite – enough said.
Basketball - Putting things away in high places. Favourite – husband – it’s just a man’s job, isn’t it?
Marathon - Endurance event of running from soccer training, dropping one child at orchestra or ballet rehearsal, zooming home to cook and feed other children, yelling “Shit, is that the time already?” before leaping into the car to return and pick up child from orchestra, returning home and finding dirty dishes and spilt cordial on table with husband and kids eating ice cream in front of the TV … Favourite – see Pentathlon.
Soccer, hockey, volleyball, cricket, rugby - Being the parent who gets to play all the fun games with the kids on the weekend, rather than the parent who gets to nag them about their science project, ironing their shirts, tidying their rooms and emptying the dishwasher. Favourite - husbands are particularly good at this one.
Archery - Involves a mental re-enactment of the Hunger Games, except played on the battlefield of the home. Involves imagining exactly how to wreak revenge on one’s loved one, played at times of extreme frustration and frequently involving PMT. Favourite – the wife, although I imagine my husband probably competes just as strongly – would I know?
Equestrianism - Requires the competitor to ride a powerful animal into the sunset Thelma and Louise style, to escape it all. Most effective when performed with best mate or very good looking gay friend as least likely to create jealousy and give rise to a whole new round of Archery. Favourite – hard to tell. Husband seems to be a more regular competitor, but wife does it in more style when she gets a chance to compete.
Thank you to my friend the Divine Mrs M who acts regularly as my horse riding buddy and from whose brain the Household Olympiad was devised. I’m off to have a shower before starting the Marathon.
What’s your favourite Household Olympic sport?
I‘m a mother of one, stepmother to two, all boys, and I suffer from a little understood, but quite common affliction called Accelerated Brain Syndrome. ABS means that my fingers can’t keep up with my brain when I’m typing and I never stop thinking. It’s exhausting, more so for everyone else but I’ve found it extremely common amongst my female business owner friends with kids. In a bid to be useful to the community and make something good come of the twenty four years I spent trotting round the world with various banking and finance firms, I develop financial literacy programs to help women and kids get money savvy. We have our first pilot program going into schools shortly and I’m super excited.
I aspire to be a writer too, when I’m not picking up dirty socks. Given that I’m a native Brit and adoptive Aussie I say Mummy not Mommy, and I use more vowels in my words than you probably do; colour is a good example. You may find that a little strange but please work with me here. You’ll find I’m not short of an opinion or two about money, motherhood and just about anything else, it’s a symptom of ABS. in fact. It can be a challenge to keep up with me when I’m in full verbal flow, find more at www.saralucas.com.au
Twitter: @sasslucas
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Website: www.saralucas.com.au <http://www.saralucas.com.au/>
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Fencing -The guiding principle of this event is the stand off between husband and wife with the loser being the party who caves in first. Heats include replacing toilet rolls, emptying bins and picking up dirty socks. The hot favorite odds are on the husband in most households, who exhibits great strength in holding out; not through skill, more likely because he rarely knows he’s playing.
